December 22, 2014

Let's Stop Kidding Each Other

Today was one of those days that I intentionally take off from work so I can run all the errands that I constantly put off. You know, like getting a haircut, visiting my bank, hiding a body..that sort of thing.

First up, drop the car off at the dealership for it's regular maintenance. For $188, I got a lube, oil and filter. For that much money, they should have thrown in some heavy petting with that lube. Next, a joyful field trip to the dentist. I was really due for a cleaning since I've put off the last few scheduled cleanings. Can you blame me? It's the fucking dentist.

This stock photo depicts a moment that has happened never.
In any event, aside from the pleasures of getting my gumline jabbed by a sharp instrument, a trip to the dentist is always fun due to the sheer trickery that goes on. It's like when James Bond meets a foreign spy at a fancy cocktail party. They're civil and polite, but nobody's telling the truth. Like a lot of people I imagine, my dentist and I have this unwritten rule where we constantly lie to each other. He used to ask me if I'm flossing regularly. I'd say yes. He pretends to remember what I do for a living by looking on his computer fourteen seconds prior to coming into the room. But I'm ok with our deception. It's like we're telling each other to stop kidding each other without telling each other to stop kidding each other. It's passive aggressive behaviour at it's finest. One time, one of his hygienists was busting my chops a bit much about the flossing thing, so I just said listen - if I and your other clients flossed as regularly as you'd like us to floss, you'd eventually go out of business. By letting my gums turn into the third act of a Friday The 13th movie, I'm sending your kids to college.

For the record, my teeth and gums are actually in pretty good shape, as I do floss semi regularly with a water pik thingamabob. This results in significantly less gore when I go for my cleanings, and I don't walk out of there feeling like someone's fired a shotgun into my mouth.

The other reason I don't feel bad about being less than truthful with my dentist is that today, as we made small talk about last minute Christmas shopping, he said he only has one stop to make. It's his annual visit to Tiffany's so he can present that little blue box to his wife each and every December 25th. Maybe this Christmas I'll show up at his house when he's about to give it to her - after all, it's really from me is it not?

3 comments:

  1. $188 bucks for an oil change at the dealer, tell me they at least hosed the car down and left that dirty paper floor mat by the pedals.

    My dentist has no chit chat, no hygienist, and barely a receptionist (he'll answer his own phone mid cleaning if she's too busy shopping online). We had the floss discussion once, agreed it wasn't going to be that kind of relationship, and have been ignoring each other three times a year ever since.

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  2. @Kaiserhead - yes I got a car wash but as per the usual, they could have raped me for much more money. I asked them to use their fancy dealership tools to pull out a cd that was stuck. They said they'd have to take out the entire unit for extra labour time (liars). I also had a low tire pressure light and asked them to check. They said they tried to re set but it didn't, so it would require a $175 system scan. I asked if the tire pressure was in fact fine (as i had topped them up when I first saw the light). They said yes. I told them I'd keep my $175 thank you very much.

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  3. Call me or Millson if you have any car trouble, we have all the scanners and tools to prevent dry anal rape at the dealer.

    In this day and age, why can't your car just tell your phone what the deal is?

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