October 21, 2014

Crappy Tire

To the uninitiated, here in Canada we have a large hardware store chain called Canadian Tire. It's been around since that ape beat that other ape senseless in Kubrick's 2001, so it's a bit of an iconic retail giant in these parts.

Recently I was there to exchange an air conditioner jimmy hat, aka an A/C cover. This is the plastic tarpaulin thingy you throw on it to protect it over the winter when you're done using A/C in the Fall.  As an aside, I'm not sure why it's necessary to protect it from the snow when all summer long raccoon shit and rain beats down mercilessly into the guts of it, but that's a question for science, not me.

Canadian Tire stores are supermarket sized, so searching for a relatively obscure item can be something similar to what your average Hobbit experiences in any given Tolkien novel. Sure, there's signage indicating different departments, but narrowing it down is the challenge. Could be Home Comfort, could be Seasonal. If the latter, because it's nearly November, have A/C products been relegated to the warehouse? I approach one elderly employee nervously stacking boxes on a ladder, which is a surprise in itself since Canadian Tire stores are usually staffed by 17 year-old's who know less than me about home repairs.

He grunts the location to me, so I find my way to the myriad of shapes and sizes of A/C covers. The dimensions shown on each package vary wildly - some expressed in inches, some in millimetres, and some really dusty ones are expressed in latin. And, is it length by width by depth, or some other mind-bending permutation? I'm proud to say I achieved a mensa-level 68% in grade 13 relations and functions, so it was no surprise I ended up selecting the correct size.

Fuck all'yall waiting in line behind me. I'm posing for this stock photo.
But ahead of gloating in that success, I still needed to go to the exchanges desk to swap out my old cover for the new one. It all started off well, but after a few more seconds of her scanning the receipt, she utters "oh my it's really been a long time since you bought this!".  This is true. I purchased it in May, but the reality is, you don't use the product and realize you effed up until you need it - ie The Fall.  She cryptically stares at me, and takes off her reading glasses, suggesting she means business. "Well sir, unfortunately I'll first have to call my manager to authorize this".

In reality, however, I know what's coming. She's playing Jedi mind tricks with me. Of course they'll exchange the goddamn fourteen dollar A/C cover. See, she's been trained to give me the gears for half a second, but ultimately give me what I want so I walk out of that store thinking: Golly Canadian Tire you guys are great! She even picked up the phone and left a voicemail for the manager indicating what she was doing, but in reality, I think the woman faked it.

It's not the first time a woman's faked it.

3 comments:

  1. I am really enjoying your blog but.... please can you change the font / colour / background colour. The bold white on black is hard to read and makes me just give up halfway through.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for your note Anonymous. I will have my crack team of web developers look into this right away - - in other words, me.

    Appreciate the feedback.
    -HG

    ReplyDelete
  3. Excellent! I bought a weight set from CT that I tried to return but they said too bad! I said it's not working I'm not getting skinnier and it was unopened and everything.

    ReplyDelete